There is Always Room for Growth

"We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations."

- Anaïs Nin

My graduation post got me thinking about my own personal growth since I've moved away from home. I'd like to think I've changed to some extent. 

I think I've become a better individual. I've learned to harness my well known temper to some degree. But heck, who is perfect. I've tried to find ways to focus my frustrations into things, to make them better. It relieves my stress and removes the anger. Sometimes, I can do simple tasks like listen to music to calm myself. 

I learned how to focus my energy into individual tasks, as well as spread it so that I can multitask. I've learned that even though I think I can, sometimes I can't and I need to ask for help. 

I think I'm in a very adult relationship. What do I know though, I'm only in my early twenties? I still revert to childish actions here though. Jealousy. Envy. The need for attention. The thought of losing him kills me. The thought of losing him to someone I am skeptical of kills me even more. I love to think that I'm an adult. But this is where I find so much truth in the above quote. We grow unevenly. We grow in some areas and not others. One day it will balance out. 

Some of the issues I have spurs from lack of self confidence. Weight has been a struggle for me for years. I got on track and lost a good bit, and over time gained it back. Sometimes depression gets the best of me which never helps. That's when the negative thoughts pour in and consume me. This is another area I need to find growth and development in. Do I need to get healthier? Yes. But should I be beating myself up over it so much? No. 

Being positive and having a better outlook on things will help me to grow and develop in these areas. In order to be happy on the outside I need to find strength and be happy on the inside. This is not something someone can change for me. I must do it alone. 

So how do you grow? Slowly over time. These things don't happen over night. I do find myself teetering on the fence on both these issues regularly. One day I find myself controlling my emotions and not letting things get to me. The next day I beat myself up and revert back to where I was before. 

But the fact that I'm teetering shows me I'm trying. I'm working on the growth I want to see. I'm not forcing it. But I'm trying. And that, I think, is the first sign that the change is coming.